Saturday, December 27, 2008

Fetish mapping boosts church attendance

Dateline December 26, 2008 Lark News

MOLINE, Ill. — Mary Lynn Inchone attends Park View Christian Church, but not for the preaching or sense of community. Rather, she likes the feel of the door handles and the bubble gum smell in the lady's restroom.

"I get addicted to little sensory things," she says. "I look forward to it all week." She is unaware that the church planned it that way.

Park View and many other churches have begun commissioning demographic fetish analyses, or "demo-fets," which tell pastors which "fixations and tactile cravings" are most common in their area.

In southern Wisconsin a demo-fet found an unusually high level of people with feet fetishes. One church began projecting images of Jesus washing the disciples' feet on a screen during the sermon. Attendance shot up 10 percent in six months.

"We see nothing wrong in using people's abnormal or secret desires to draw them to Christ," the pastor says. "If the devil can use warped impulses to draw people into darkness, why not use them to draw people to the light?"

Some people, like Inchone, crave milder fare: certain textures, like ribbed metal surfaces, or smells of strong fertilizer. An Arizona church found that cowboy paraphernalia was a major turn-on to locals, so ushers began wearing cowboy hats, boots and bolo ties. Attendance zoomed and people are happier than ever, the pastor says. A church in Madison, Wis., changed Communion plates, nursery pagers and more to give people "touch thrills" all through their church experience.

"We want everything people handle here to be like an iPod — you just want to hold it," the pastor says. Without being specific, he says tithes are "definitely up." Most people never realize they've visited a fetish-serving church because the cues are so subtle. Others know it, but don't mind.

"I figured they were up to something with the feet," says a Wisconsin man who began attending the church because he "likes toes," he says. "I'm willing to sit through a sermon for it."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

4theluv's Top 12 Country Artists

So, I thought it would be worthwhile to list my favorite Country Artists (as opposed to Country Singers/Performers). I will, for sake of not creating any arguments, exclude Bob Dylan from the group, even though his country music I think would place in my top ten.

  1. Garth Brooks
  2. Johnny Cash
  3. Dolly Parton
  4. Willie Nelson
  5. Vince Gill
  6. Kris Kristofferson
  7. George Jones
  8. Hank Williams, Jr (I think he is better than Sr.)
  9. Waylon Jennings
  10. Merle Haggard
  11. Allison Kraus
  12. Alabama (Technically, not an artist, I know)

Thoughts?

4theluv

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Pastor laments, 'My son won't raise hell'

Dateline October 12, 2008
From
Lark News

LOUISVILLE — Pastor Sean Welch and his wife Eleanor are concerned that their 16-year-old son isn't turning into the hellraiser they thought he'd be.

"We've always heard how much trouble PK's are, so we spent years reading parenting books and attending seminars," said Eleanor. "It looks like all that preparation is wasted."

The boy, Adam, is admittedly mild-mannered, even annoyingly so. He likes to sit in his room and strum his guitar and play computer games with his friends. He wants to be an orthodontist. His teachers say he's a good student, if lacking in creativity.

"Dad sat me down a few weeks ago and told me it was time I start causing trouble," Adam said, clearly uncomfortable with the subject. Pastor Welch handed him the keys to the car, a fifth of whisky and a baseball bat and shooed him out of the house, then waited by the phone for the police or an angry parent to call. That call never came.

"I went out and hit a few mailboxes with the bat, but it didn't feel good, so I poured out the whiskey and came home," says Adam. "If I have a police record, dentistry schools won't take me."

Welch faces humiliation at pastors' conferences, where other men confide in each other about their troubled teenagers.

"I've started lying and telling them Adam is having problems, too," Welch says. "I make up drug use, promiscuity, all sorts of stuff. Then I go back to my room and cry. I'm missing the whole father-of-a-PK experience."

The Welches fret that Adam's testosterone level may be low, though he tested normal. Sean and Eleanor sit at home most evenings, their boy upstairs playing worship songs, and stew.

"I've lost some respect for the kid," says Sean with a sigh. "I've tried to be the model pastor, and I'd hoped he would be the model PK. I feel I've failed somehow."

Monday, September 22, 2008

Pastor Becomes Seekerlicious

Dateline September 19, 2008
From Lark News


GLENWOOD SPRINGS, Colo. — Pastor John Taylor, 43, once a winsome and compelling preacher, has lately embraced film clips as a way to illustrate his sermon points. Last week his sermon was finally overwhelmed by them.

"He used fourteen clips, totaling 33 minutes of a 35-minute sermon," says one observer. "I forgot he was even on the platform."

Taylor’s speaking portions consisted mostly of short introductions of scenes.

"It was all, ‘Have a look at this clip. Now have a look at this one,’" says one man. "I felt like I should have brought popcorn."

The selections included such disparate fare as The Simpsons Movie, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Atonement, Juno and Live Free or Die Hard. Many found the point inscrutable.

"I think the common thread was loyalty or friendship or something," says one woman. "I believe there was a message in there somewhere but I’m still trying to figure out what it was."

Taylor insists that film clips offer "unparalleled emotional impact and common language." He used to write sermons with emotional variation — humor, poignancy, personal examples and exhortation. Now film clips perform those functions for him. He likes to start with a humorous scene, segue into a more serious one, then build his argument using clips from a variety of movies. He usually ends with an emotionally impacting scene, such as one from Titanic, intended to leave the congregation deeply moved. When the lights go up he simply says, "Let’s pray."

Taylor, who enjoys reading Variety to see what movies he might use as spiritual illustrations, has already planned his preaching schedule through 2012 based on future DVD releases.

"Spiderman 4 comes out in 2010," he says. "That should make for a great Sunday."

Of all the people in the church, the youth are the most supportive of the new direction.

"It’s Sermon Mash-up every Sunday," says one young man. "It’s awesome." •

Friday, July 4, 2008

Monday, June 23, 2008

Fuggedaboutit: Missionary to Sicily gets the job done

Dateline May 25, 2005
From Lark News


PALERMO — Long known as a pastor's graveyard, Sicily's capital city now has its first mega-church, pastored by missionary Robert Bendeto of Cleveland.

"We've got a good outfit here," Bendeto says, sitting in the office of Palermo Christian Church and Waste Management Company. "I adapted to local culture. Now the church family is getting bigger every week."

On weekdays, evangelism teams go door to door to "persuade" locals to attend. On Sunday morning the worship band, made up of a dozen violins, plays a tense version of "Lord, I Lift Your Name On High."

"Get up right now and praise the Lord!" the song leader commands, and people jump to their feet. Later, the associate underboss gives the announcements and invites everyone to "pay tribute to the Big Don" with their tithes and offerings. People stream forward to drop money into a basket held by a no-nonsense usher in a pinstripe suit and dark sunglasses.
Bendeto's sermon from the book of Proverbs is titled "How to be a Wiseguy, Not a Jamook." He ends with a "shakedown" as a lone violinist plays a haunting rendition of "Just As I Am."

"God did a favor for you a long time ago," Bendeto says. "It's time to return that favor. The books are open for you right now. If you don't come forward, who knows? You might have trouble this week. Crazy things happen. Come show your respect to the Big Don."

Ushers nudge some people and indicate they should go forward. Dozens kneel at the altar, some warily.

As the church gains control over more neighborhoods, Bendeto's ambitions are growing. He recently planted a church in Newark, N.J., with the help of financial backers in Sicily. He hopes one day to have churches up and down the East Coast of America.

"We succeed because we get the job done," Bendeto says. "End of story."

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A Sign from Above


In honor of the Proverbs 31 man, this sign dropped in.

Monday, June 9, 2008

'Proverbs 31 husband' justifies beer habit

Dateline Nov. 17, 2006
Lark News


MINOT, N.D. — Jack Crocker, a beer-loving machinist and "part-time Christian," finally agreed to read Proverbs with wife Reanna. He's glad he did.

"I'm a Proverbs 31 husband all right," says Jack, then quotes Proverbs 31:6-7: "Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more."

"That's my permission to crack open a cold one," Jack says, having a Coors after dinner.

But Reanna, a new church member, is pushing Jack hard to stop drinking. She insists he is neither "perishing" nor "in anguish." But Jack researched the Bible on the Internet and found 2 Corinthians 4:16 and 5:2 which say, "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day," and "Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling."

"Everyone is perishing and in anguish," Jack says. "Until we're delivered from these bodies, the Bible says to drink up."

As part of the escalating family tension he created a "Proverbs 31" category on their weekly budget and listed "beer" under it. He also wants to start a Proverbs 31 Men's Group with his buddies.

"We're trying to find where the Bible talks about buffalo wings," he says. •

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

How to Score a Baseball Game

Ran across this blog post on The Art of Manliness and thought, hey, that's a great thing to know and teach. So here it is.

________________________________

How To Score a Baseball Game With Pencil and Paper


Photo by Go Cubs!

Scoring a baseball game with paper and pencil is a tradition that goes back to the early days of the game. Keeping score is a great way to get more involved as a fan. You’ll get really engaged in the game. Moreover, each scorecard is a story of each game that you go to. Scorecards make a great memento of all the baseball games you’ve attended. Unfortunately, with the rise of high tech scoreboards and cell phones that can give updates right in the palm of your hand, keeping score with a game card is becoming a lost art. Here’s how to do it.

Ready the card

Get your card. Most baseball programs come with scorecards. If you don’t want to drop $4 for a program, print your own from home from this handy website. Write each team’s batting line-up down the left hand side of the card. In addition to the players’ name, include their position number (see below) and jersey number.

Learn the code

There’s a shorthand that has developed to assist in scoring baseball games. You can develop your own style, but here’s the standard method:

Position numbers. Each position is assigned a number. These numbers will be used when you record fielding plays.

  • Pitcher- 1
  • Catcher- 2
  • First Base- 3
  • Second base- 4
  • Third base- 5
  • Shortstop- 6
  • Left field- 7
  • Center field- 8
  • Right field- 9
  • Designated hitter- DH

Batter shorthand. When a batter is up, keep track of whether he hit, got walked, or struck out with these basic abbreviations:

  • Strikeout- K
  • Looking strikeout (where the batter doesn’t swing)- backwards K
  • Walked- BB (base on balls)
  • Single- 1B
  • Double- 2B
  • Tripple- 3B
  • Homerun- HR
  • F- flyout
  • DP- double play

Follow the game

With your card ready in one hand and a hot dog slathered with mustard in the other, you’re ready to score the game. Each player has a row of squares with baseball diamonds next to their name. We’ll use these squares to track the progress of each batter.

If a batter hits a single, write 1B outside the diamond and darken the line from home plate to first. If the runner on first advances to second, darken the line from first to second. And so on until the runner gets home. Here’s an example:

If the runner scores, fill in the diamond with your pencil.

If a batter strikes out, write a K in the middle of the diamond. If that batter was the first out, write a “1″ with a circle around it. Indicate subsequent outs in the similar fashion.

If the batter makes an out after hitting the ball, you want to record how the play happened. Going back to our Jeter example. Say Jeter hits a grounder to the pitcher and the pitcher fields it and throws it to first base, the out would be recorded by writing “1-3″ across the diamond. This indicates that the pitcher fielded the ball first and then threw it to first getting Jeter out.


Easy enough. How about double plays? Let’s say we have Jeter on first base after hitting a single. The scorecard will look like this:


Now, Giambi is up to bat and hits a grounder to the shortstop. The shortstop throws it to second, getting Jeter on the force out. The second baseman throws it to first, getting Giambi out. Here’s how we record it. First, we want to indicate Jeter got out at second on a grounder by Giambi. Do this by darkening the line from first to second only halfway. Write 25 next to that line indicating that it was Giambi that hit the ball that caused Jeter’s out. Jeter’s row will look like this:


On Giambi’s row, we’ll write “6-4-3″ across the diamond indicating the fielding sequence. Above that we write “DP” indicating that he caused a double play. Don’t forget to add a “2″ with a circle around it indicating that he was the second out. Giambi’s rowwill look like this:


If a batter flys out, write “F” followed by the fielder who caught the ball. So, if the centerfielder catches a fly ball, you would write “F8″ inside the diamond of the batter who hit the ball.

If you want to show a runner on base getting tagged out or forced out, draw a line half way to the base they were headed to as well as the fielding sequence of the out. For example, say Jeter was on first after hitting a single. Giambi hits a grounder to third. Third baseman fields and throws it to second getting the force out. This is what Jeter’s row would look like:

At the end of the game, you don’t want a card that looks like this. So pay attention.

Photo by Hysterical Bertha

Make it your own

These are just the basics to help get you started. If you would like more info and examples of scoring baseball games, check out Baseball Scorecard. This is a fantastic resource if you’re interested in keeping track of more advanced aspects of the games like Fielder’s Choice, RBIs, and steals.

After you get the basics down, start adding your onne style to keep track of scores. There isn’t a wrong or right way to do it. The trick is to find a system that will help you easily keep track of the progress of a game.

Here’s a good example of someone who has personalized their scorecard.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Freaky is As Freaky Does

I thought this was incredibly freaky, but fun. Take a look for yourself.




Whose picture do you see?

Now walk away from your monitor about 10 feet, and whose picture do you see?

And you thought it was only J. Edgar Hoover who had a problem with cross dressing.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Pastor Apologizes for Unintentional Acrostic

From Lark New, dateline December 12, 2004

SAN ANTONIO — Pastor Tom Kirkland, who spelled the phrase "u suck" in his five-point outline last Sunday, has apologized to his church.
"I should have looked it over more carefully," he says. "It was late Saturday night when I finished. I'm sorry."


His five points, based on the story of Abraham, were:

Understand your calling
Say yes to God
Use the abilities he gave you
Call on him during hard times
Keep going!

Plenty of people were offended.

"When I realized what he was spelling, I flipped over my outline so my son wouldn't see it," says Ursula Thompson, 46. The message of the sermon was lost on her, she says.

But others say it's not the first time "unintentional" acrostics have popped up lately. Kirkland, they suspect, is telegraphing his deep-rooted dissatisfaction.

"He spelled 'losers' one Sunday and 'get lost' the next, and apologized for those, too," says one woman. "He's getting little kicks out of it." •

Monday, May 19, 2008

4theLuv's Top Songs of All Time Ever

In case you ever wondered (my guess is no) here is a list of songs I can always listen to:

  1. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
  2. Me & Bobby McGee - Janice Joplin
  3. With God on Our Side - Bob Dylan
  4. Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind
  5. Knocking on Heaven's Door - Eric Clapton/Bob Dylan
  6. Hurt - Johnny Cash
  7. The Battle of Evermore - Led Zepplin
  8. Paint it Black - Rolling Stones
  9. Southern Man - Neil Young
  10. I Believe in You - Bob Dylan
  11. Sunday Morning Coming Down - Kris Kristofferson
  12. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
  13. We Shall Be Free - Garth Brooks
  14. Hotel California - The Eagles
  15. Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones

They all bring a smile to my face. Except Sunday Morning Coming Down.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Homeschooler spends 3-day suspension in backyard tent

From Lark News, dateline - March 18, 2008

BELMONT, Calif. — After arguing with his brother for the third straight day during class time, Jared Francis, 10, was suspended from homeschool and banished to a backyard tent.
"I’m not just his father, I’m his principal," says John Francis, 37. "Jared has to take us seriously as administrators as well as parents."
Jared has spent his 3-day suspension doing homework, reading junior editions of Christian novels and reflecting on his poor attitude. His parents are allowing him inside the house to use the restroom. His mother brings him meals in the tent. At night they open a window so Jared can listen to the rest of the family have devotions.
"It’s boring out here," Jared says on the second morning of his suspension, resting his chin in his hands. "The tent gets hot in the afternoons."
He says he’s looking forward to returning to school inside the house.
"I’m curious what would happen if I got expelled," he says. •

Friday, May 2, 2008

When He Prophesies, It's in Pirate

From Lark News, Dateline March 15, 2005

OAK RIDGE, Tenn. — Sam Brobst took a "Learning Your Spiritual Gift" course at Full Life Center, a charismatic church, and felt the Lord leading him to prophesy during meetings. But when Brobst opened his mouth the first time, he and others were surprised by what came out: pirate speak.
"We were in the middle of worship, when this voice rings out, 'Yar! Hear the word of the Lord — the Lord of the mighty seas!'" says one witness. "It was straight out of a Disneyland ride."


Brobst says he can't help it: when the Spirit moves upon him, he clamps one eye shut and his voice becomes gravelly and menacing. On a recent Sunday, he prophesied, "Avast ye, mateys! Hear the word from our Cap'n: No fear have ye of storms and scallywags, says ye? Argh! But I be seein' your true hearts. For I see below quarterdecks, says I. Ye be tremblin' in the face of scurvy dogs. But pay them no heed. For I be preparin' to pour down plenty o' booty upon ye. So be of cheer, me hearties! Ye be loved of the Cap'n."

The people of the church by now are accustomed to it, though first-time visitors often giggle.

"It doesn't even sound like pirate to me anymore," says one regular attendee. "My mind translates it."

Others say it's preferable to past prophetic styles they have witnessed.

"One woman would wail her prophecies," says longtime member Darlene Bright. "Another man would thunder in a deep voice like he was trying to impress us. All in all, I prefer pirate."

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

And Now for Something Completely Different

My other blog is waaaaay too serious. So, now, for something completely different: a blog of things that make me laugh, solely and purely and vainly funny to me.

Perhaps because I "ain't right" there are lots of things I find interesting and just really want a place to record them. So, this is it. Feel free to laugh with me or at me. I'm used to both.

4theluv